1:58am
MY FRIEND told me she had dropped
many hints to her husband to buy flowers
for her for Valentine's Day. I suppose
she believed it was the appropriate way
for him to show her that he still loves
her.
When I was a teenager, I used to
dream about walking down Orchard Road
with a big bunch of roses. But having
once worked on Valentine's Day delivering
flowers to lovestruck young girls all
over Singapore, I have come to the conclusion
that there is more to love than
roses.
There was a man who ordered two
bouquets: One for his mistress, and a
bigger one for his wife. I suppose he was
hoping his wife would still believe that he
loved her.
Then there was this girl in America
who ordered a box of chocolates for her
boyfriend in Singapore. My heart dropped
when I delivered the chocolates to his
house. The dinner table was set for two,
complete with candles and flowers — but
I knew that his dinner companion would
not be the girl in America.
Each February, men are reminded to
show how much they love their girlfriends
or wives by buying flowers, chocolates,
diamonds — and, of course, the mandatory
candlelight dinner.
How much of this expectation is
shaped by advertising firms and retail
outlets?
Thirty years ago, Valentine's Day
was virtually unheard of in Singapore.
Nonetheless, men and women still fell in
love — and stayed in love.
Now, I sense that women in Singapore
are dictating how men should love
them. And more often than not, their demands
for expressions of love are shaped
by women's magazines, which inundate
them with suggestions on how to spend
Valentine's Day.
It has come to a point where some
men expect payment in terms of sex after
spending so much money on an attractive
lady. Thus, it is no surprise that men
often use words of love to get sex, while
women use sex to get words of love.
This could be a factor that has contributed
to the rise in divorce rates in Singapore.
Women often define love as a
feeling or as an attraction, and choose our
life partners on this basis.
What happens when that feeling dies
or changes, as all feelings will over time?
Do we change partners the way we do in
a social dance?
Do we consistently search for the
elusive high that we get each time we
fall in love with someone?
After being married for 18 years, I
have come to the conclusion that love is
not a feeling; it is a decision.
There are days when I do not feel any
love towards my husband, when I want to
tear his eyes out, and yes, sometimes I
just want to walk out of this marriage.
A few years ago, I met someone who
swept me off my feet. He was different
from my husband in many ways, and I
thought I had fallen in love again. I was
attracted to the feeling of being wanted,
of being at the centre of someone else's
life.
I felt young again and I was tempted
to walk out of my marriage. A few of my
friends supported my decision, as they felt
that if there is no spark left in a marriage,
it is all right to change one's partner.
But on closer reflection, I realised I
had only fallen in lust. I realised that the
feeling I had would disappear with this
new-found love over time — just as the similar
feeling I experienced when I first fell
in love with my husband had eventually
faded.
What did I do with this emotion? I
confessed to my husband. I knew that
he had accepted me for better or for
worse — and this was one of my worst moments.
I knew that only by coming clean
would we be able to continue with this relationship.
He accepted me as I am, knowing
that as a woman I could feel for other
men, yet he showed that he can trust me
with my emotions.
Through this experience, both of us
were reminded once again that love is
not a feeling, but a constant decision that
we make. Love demands that we choose
each other constantly despite coming
across alternatives.
This Valentine's Day, I chose to buy
a gift for my husband. I had not bought
him a gift in a very long time as I could
never find anything suitable.
I seldom feel guilty for not buying
him a gift for Christmas or for Valentine's
Day; I would never buy a gift just
because some article in a woman's magazine
told me to. Neither would I buy
one because my girlfriends have bought
one for their beloved.
I chose to do so because I knew the
gift would bring a smile to his face and
joy to his heart. More importantly, I do
not expect a gift in return.
FRANCES ONG HOCK LIN
saw this at Les Dames and i agree with every single words she say! its true dun u think so? i used to believe in everlasting love.. but not anymore.. after seeing so many divorce cases etc.. love is juz a period of feeling.. marriage does not rely basically on love.. in fact, its a decision.. a decision to make that u want to stay with this guy.. i have make this decision.. during this 2yrs plus relationship.. there are times i feel that its the end of the r/s.. and keep asking if i still love him.. it seems like there are no longer sparks in the r/s.. but i hold on.. bcos i wanna keep trying.. to rekindle that sparks.. its hard.. and its not juz 1 or 2 days thing.. we drag for quite long.. before the sparks in rekindle again.. and if it can be rekindle again, the r/s will then go to a higher level.. if not, tat's it.. i always believe that when one is into a r/s for a very long time, when someone better or new comes along, he/she will get attracted to that person for sure.. so after reading this, i tell myself if i ever develop feelings to the other person, the first thing i do is to tell dear abt it.. becos for better or worse, we are to stay with each other! =)
hehes.. im talking crap lars.. feeling kinda emo now lors.. *bleahs!
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