11:01pm
life is just so unpredictable isnt it? nxt yr, my bdae present shall be the same as last yr..
i missed my period for quite awhile.. i got abit worried.. as my appetite seems to be damn humongous leh.. i am never a breakfast person.. if i ever had breakfast, there is no way i can eat my lunch.. if i had lunch bcos of my greedy mouth, i will not take my dinner.. if i do, i will be damn bloated.. but these days, i have to take 3 meals a day when e clock strikes.. if i don't, i will be so goddamn hungry.. so hungry till i wanna vomit n faint..-,- i thought it was e act of Herbalife.. cos i stop consuming liao.. den i thought rebounce.. and i was getting so easily tired.. i slept at 9pm or so.. and woke up at 7am.. but i still feel very lethargic.. so today, i was supposed to visit e slimming doc with aiko & steph.. shir advise me to test if it's positive.. i tested.. and spotted 2 lines.. POSITIVE.. i cried immediately.. having really mixed emotions.. e feeling was totally different from the first time.. when i was having jabez.. back then, i was so happy and excited to see e arrival of my newborn.. but this time round, i was so sure that i don't want this second child.. but i am humji.. dun dare abort.. hais..
if i give birth now, it would be the so-called "perfect" age gap between jabez and his new sibling.. but it's so...... i still canot forget e process of giving birth.. it so scares me.. i couldnt sleep.. and im feeling so goddamn stress.. very confused.. dear very much wants this child.. but i am very firm i don't want.. i am selfish.. i canot think of any excuses.. bcos to me, those who opt for abortion, are all very selfish ppl no matter wad their reasons are.. so i have no excuses for myself.. and i feel so ashame of it.. when shir double cfm w me tat im pregnant, i cried.. i was crying n crying.. i couldnt stop.. i just feel so goddamn sad and confuse lar.. i always feel tat being e only child is good enough.. ima very materialistic person.. i nv like to share.. although i have many siblings, i don't share.. when i was young, i rem telling my parents, i rather throw my toys, i also dun wan give my sister play.. i will not let others enjoy what i cant enjoy.. so, i nv want my kids to share.. i feel tat e feeling of sharing is goddamn sucks.. and i have so much wish and dreams for jabez.. there's so much things i want for him.. and so much things i want him to have.. so when i thought of him, i feel tat ive let him down.. bcos now, he canot have wadeva he wants..
i want to bring him for japanese & french lessons..
i want to bring him for piano lesssons..
i want to bring him for swimming lessons..
i want to do so many so many for him..
although right now, i can afford them but i am suffering.. i don't mind.. at least i suffer he gets to learn all these.. but if i were to have 2nd one, even if i suffer, he also wun get to learn all these lor.. but after saying so much, i still decided to give birth to e little one in my tummy.. i cant be selfish to my jabez right? but i am so afraid tat after no.2 arrives, i will not love jabez as much.. this is my priority concern.. i hope i know how to divide my love for them.. bcos i am bad at maths.. plus, minus, divide, multiply.. LOL!
jabez, mummy loves u.. i just want the best for u.. even if that hurt me..=( mummy's not excited.. mummy just feel very very sad.. and very very hurt.. mummy dunno wad to do.. *s0bx*
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