Jacq's

12th Nov 2003

Haix.. I juz read finish the history log on mi msn.. Those conversations which I had wid lion b4.. Realli sux.. >.<~ Cant I try and learn to let go of him? Why so difficult? Read liaox, felt damn moody.. Why izzit that we hab to be apart when we used to b so loving? *siGhx* I realli missed the days.. But well, gone are those days.. It can never come baq I guess.. Juz msg him something.. Asking him for an ans.. I wonder what would his ans be.. Will he gimme an ans? Asked him for this ans alot of time ler.. And he nv give mi a firm 1.. Did he bcum so close to me bcoz he felt threatened that I will no longer like him coz I gt a bf? Or izzit realli true that he felt tht its finally the right time for mi to noe hw he felt? I dunno la.. Haix.. Y izzit tht things hab to turn out this way? The day I chose Sam, I thought Lion will disappear from me life foreva.. I tot he will never contact mi animore.. I thought, we will nv gt back together again.. But, I was wrong.. He contact mi more frequently.. And, treat mi much more betta den last time.. Lastly, he gimme back the feeling that I'm in love again.. *siGhx* I fear for the ans.. I realli do.. I cant get to slp nw coz I keep on thinking the possible ans he will gimme.. I pluck up alot of courage to send him that msg.. I hope, I am doing the right thing sending him that message bahx.. Why izzit that our r/s is never ending? Haix.. Ive been waiting to go eat Nasi Lemak wid him on fri.. Now, no nid liaox.. Coz, I felt that he will b angry wid mi for typing tht message..:( But, I hab to noe the ans de ma.. I am being unfair to Sam tis way.. Actualli, I dun feel guilty for doing all those things to Sam lehx.. Why sia..? But, juz as a human.. I shldnt treat him lidat.. >.<~ I very scare.. Scare that Lion is juz trying to make mi fall in lub wid him juz bcoz he wants some1 to love him.. To sacrifice for him.. So that he could be proud of it.. I wanted to trust him completely.. But, can I? I tried to trust him.. But he everytime hurt mi.. Mayb I shld realli be determine to let go of him.. That is the way to find my happiness..? Arbo I am like waiting for some1 who doesnt loves mi.. Who doesnt even gib a damn about hw I feel.. I dun cry animore.. Dunno y oso.. I know that if I dun send him tht msg, he will hurt mi like b4 in the end.. And tis time, will b more cham.. I dun 1 that to happen.. Coz by tht time, it will b too late for mi to regret.. Somehow, I oso felt that he will juz treat it that he nv saw the msg.. Haix.. Dunno la.. So fan.. Why sia.. >.<~ Now har, I am liek so tired of everything.. *siGhx* I gtg and study ler.. Muz ar!! Arbo dui bu qi zi ji!! Den wait till 8.30am to wake Lion up so that he can go take his driving lesson.. Wish him gL bahx~ :) Coz he sae hor.. I will b the first person he will take for a ride if he ever pass the driving test! wOohOoo.. lOlx~

- loving him is difficult and all i can do is wait for him to take the nxt step.. *siGhx* -