10:10am
saw the video clips on 1st nov 05.. 1 day after our anniversary.. he was hugging and kissing w a girl in a pub and his friends took the video down and send it to him.. how did i saw it? it was in his com and the nothing better to do me was browsing around computer folder and i came across this.. i asked for a breakup and he din even call back and ask me wad happen.. he nv call me.. after a few hrs, i tried to call back wanting an explanation.. he don't wanna listen to my fone calls.. he switch his hp off and every sms that i send there's no reply.. i was thinking.. maybe that's the end lers.. he doesnt love me anymore.. maybe the girl's with him and he's relief now that ive said the word.. was crying so hard the whole nite.. i couldnt sleep.. i went over to my aunt's house.. and lights off at ard 10+pm.. i toss on e bed till near to 5am den i can sleep.. it was terrible.. my imagination run wild.. alot of things in my head.. den 8am.. my aunt drove me home.. bath n get changed, i went down to his house.. cos my wallet is there.. i hope he is there.. in fact, afraid that he's not there.. but im also scared that he brought the girl home as well.. den later saw the girl naked.. i will #%^$%#$^!! when i reach there, the door of his room is locked.. his mum came out and help me open the door.. luckily, he was inside.. so i ask him very softly and gently.. "why din u ans my call ytd?" he said he dunno how to explain.. he's very scared.. he hugs me and keep apologising.. he say he noe he's in the wrong.. it won't happen again.. he say he drink too much.. and that's how it happen.. he say no ONS.. no feelings.. he did it in a moment of folly.. den we kiss and patch up..
i keep thinking back.. he was the one in the wrong.. but why am i the one who wants to salvage the r/s and not him? why din he call me and explain to me what really happened..? can i really take his words that he did it in a moment of folly? can i? i trust him so much.. even up till now.. wadeva he say.. i still believe in it.. i love him more than anyone else.. but why issit he must take my trust for granted time and again? i felt really betrayed.. but im not feeling very hurt when i think back.. i just feel dirty when he kiss me.. when he hug me.. i thought of the incident.. felt really dirty.. but in fact, after this incident.. i try to treat him better.. control my temper more.. and we both have become more loving.. cos he also try to give in more.. he promise that he will go out lesser with his friends and spend more time with me.. i hope that's true.. its hard u know.. for him to leave me.. it will be like the end of world for me.. cos he's my best friend and like my husband.. at the start.. i feel really hurt but when i realise he don't care to explain.. i panick.. the hurt is gone.. instead im scared that he don't want me anymore.. i want to hear his voice again.. hold him again.. was really scared.. now then i realise i really really love him alot.. more than lionel.. its very terrible when u love someone so deep.. very scary.. because u lose urself.. because i did.. whatever he did, i can condone.. i can lead life as per normal after the incident.. i can forgive him after every mistakes that he made.. which makes me like a stupid big fool.. i know if one day we break up and i think back.. i will luff at myself and hate myself for bring so defenceless.. for being so farking stupid.. but i cant help.. really cant..
to some people, its normal for guys to go pub and fool around with girls.. but to me.. i dunno.. i was really happy that he had no feelings for her.. im really happy that he just dance and kiss with her on the pub and after that no contact lers.. becos it could have been worse.. i accept that he's drunk so he did this.. in fact, im more angry with his friends.. i hate them for not pulling him.. mayb.. that's guys.. *sighs* im so confuse.. so stupid.. feel so helpless.. my mind is so blank.. one thing for sure.. i wanna lose weight.. cos i realise wadeva it is.. if a better and prettier girl comes along.. he will succumb to temptation.. i hope this will be the last time he did these kinda things to me.. *sighs* but im also glad that this incident happen.. because it really takes our r/s to another higher level..=) i hope it remains like this.. but w/o the incident keep appearing in my mind..=( luckily, its only his actions.. not his heart..
i know some of his friends dislike me.. because they think i don't appreciate him.. because i attitude him way too much.. but if u farking use ur eyes real big and see.. im trying damn hard to change already.. wad do u all know? u all only use the surface and see.. u dunno me well enuff but u wanna judge me? its damn hurt u noe.. i treat him whole-heartedly.. but everyone thinks i dun treat him well enuff.. everyone thinks that he is oh so great.. he treat mi so good.. but really, he betray me time and again.. lied to me time and again.. who knows? what he did to me.. do u all know? NOPES!! when i go shopping wif my galfrens.. i always bought something back for him.. whenever i plan to go out w my friends.. he's in the priority.. i see if its his off day or nt.. if its not.. den i can go.. if not.. i will stay at home and pei him.. i did alot of things for him.. but no one can see.. because they can only see the times when i throw my tantrums.. maybe im really bad to him.. that's y he will do such stuffs? but really, am i really that bad? issit my LOVE for him is not enuff? *sucks*
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