Jacq's

4:19pm

ytd nite for the first time, i look after jabez by MYSELF.. i went bonkers.. at 5+am.. the whole household was awaken by my screaming.. i dunno wad's wrong w mi.. den everyone started to ask mi to let them take care of jabez.. i appreciate everyone's help.. but i want to get used to look after him! den the 2nd time i scream when mum ask mi to let her make jabez to slp.. and broke down.. i was behaving like a mad woman ytd.. i dunno wad went wrong.. i juz feel terrible.. and LOUSY.. tat i cldnt handle my own kid.. i felt miserable tat when i hold him, he doesnt stops crying.. and when others hold him, he stop almost immediately.. i dunno wad's wrong w the position when i cuddle him.. whatever it is, i feel lousy.. extremely.. jabez poo few days ago and i tried to change it.. but i make matters worst.. den mum kpkb mi tat i make a mess outta it.. but i HAVE to change it one day dun i? it doesnt matter if ive to do double job rites.. it only matters if i do it successfully isnt it? y do they have to pamper jabez or rather, ME (bcos they really keep helping mi lar) so much that i felt handicapped and making jabez so spoilt? y cant they guide mi instead of doing everything by themselves? am i having depression? few days ago, hubby say he thinks i have mild depression.. he say cause i stay at hm too much and think too much.. so my imagination runs wild.. my mum ask mi y do i still feel pek cek when i have so many ppl around me.. helping mi look after jabez.. last time, she has to look after by herself even when she was having confinement.. no confinement lady for her some more.. i dunno y.. dun ask mi y.. i juz feel pek cek.. my mood's really bad these few days.. poor dear was kenna everytime.. partly also due to tat mother dog.. aiya.. i dunno lar.. if im really having depression, den y do i KNOW of my illness? i thought if u're really ill, u wun noe tat only outsiders noe? do i really need a psychiatrist? wad's happening man? y am i so lousy? so many things running thru my head.. im not happy with EVERYONE!

just read yunz's blog.. she say she's happy tat she's taking care of jabez at nite even though its tiring bcos jabez keeps waking up.. but y do i get so pek cek of him when he is MY SON and it is my FIRST TIME looking after him? do i not love him as much as others do?

- going crazy -