Jacq's

7 Oct 2003

Juz come baq from reservoir.. It's been almost a month.. Dun think he will come back to mi ler.. He must be hating mi alotx nw.. Especially after the conversation he had wid bell juz nw.. *siGhx* I realli din noe he's toking to bell.. I dunno de lo.. And, I din tell bell anything.. Realli.. I swear.. She always ask mi how's u n him liaox.. Den I onli sae.. Lidat lo.. Haber patch.. I dunno y she would go talk to lion lo.. Star I also din breathe a word to her.. I juz tell her that I am still waiting for him den she jitao ask mi not to wait ler.. I dun tell others my things so easily de lo.. Coz I noe he dun like.. Tried to tok 2 him juz nw.. Coz I really realli miz him.. I hesitate to msg him de lehx.. In the end, I let my heart rule my mind, msg him.. In the end, he said tis, "what lar dun come bother me now i no mood" Can expect how I feel.. Realli heartbreks lo.. The 1st time he lidat tok 2 mi.. I mean, u no mood but u gt the mood to talk to bell? You no mood you need to lidat tok 2 mi..? What did I do to make u so unhappi? Bell tell mi hw he feels.. I was like.. OMG..! I wish bell would juz stop talking abt it.. It's betta for mi nt to noe den to noe.. I dunno wad I can do now except cry.. Cry is the onli way I can release my stress.. After bell tells mi everything.. The first thing that comes into my mind is.. It's realli through between us.. He is determine not to patch ler.. He might sae he dunno.. But.. *siGhx* I dun 1 u to disappear.. I wan u 2 b by my side.. I am willing to meet u once a month.. Or once 2 months.. As long as you are back by my side.. I am willing to do anithing.. That time when you sae u cant come mi sch fetch mi.. I am not angry.. I realli am not.. Is u ownself sensitive.. Thought you know me that well to feel that I'm angry.. I am juz disappointed.. Really.. Disappointed that I cant meet you again.. I choose to keep quiet nt bcoz I'm angry.. Juz that I very sadz tht I'm not able to meet u.. I'm not trying to sae that you are at fault.. I have nv felt that you are at fault.. I always think that I'm the one being not considerate enuff.. I noe u gt alot of work in hand.. That's y, whenever I'm not happi abt something, I will keep quiet.. I dun 1 2 add on to your burden.. But u mistaken it as im giving u attitude.. I dunno wad I can do or what I should do.. I am trying very very hard to juz forget abt u.. But I guess, it is gonna take a very very fucking long time.. I hate myself.. I hate everything.. I hate why the fuck muz I be so stupid to quarrel wid u.. I hate myself for not being so considerate.. I realli do.. If I hab the courage to die.. I would juz fucking go and die.. Coz I realli realli canot bring myself to another day of life without u..:(

- life is so meaningless w/o u -